Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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