Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
