he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
