So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
