evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
