do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
