Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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