Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
