one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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