i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
