I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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