I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
