with your own penis?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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