you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
