we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
