I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
