put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
