he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
