Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
