i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
