eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
