he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
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She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
the liver wants what the liver wants
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just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor