Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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