life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
