We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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