it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
