I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
