Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
