you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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