I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I could fuck to npr.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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