The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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