I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
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