The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
