Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
