Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
