The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
