Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
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He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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