What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
