I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
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He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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