If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
did i walk over a car last night?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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