M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
