i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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