so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
