why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
she pinky promised me she was 18
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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