does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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