ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Randomize
