Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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