I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
