i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
