So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
