tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
