can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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