xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
