My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
i believe in u and ur pee
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
