i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
