You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
