Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
